Dieing to journey into the Light of Eternal Love, we are!
Yet in this life to be born again.
Never more to know death as other than change.
As in Light, with Light, Love and Truth
For some time now I have felt the desire to share the inner, more personal, aspects of my journey, yet somehow the time wasn't right. Actually I wasn't ready and to be truthful I don't really know if I am now.
Before I get into my stuff, I would like to mention another inspiration, a beautiful soul and dear friend Lois Larson. Lois is one of the most beautiful, spiritual beings that I have ever personally met. She worked with Anne for about four years, a task that I shall forever envy.
Reading her story was a catalyst that gave me the incentive to share some of my tale. I think it was her words "I KNOW it is nothing to do with anything outside of me, ..................As we share openly our vulnerabilities, we bring each other together in oneness.
We are really healing one soul here."
says, that beautiful Presence that I call the Light of my Soul
"are you ready?"
NOT! But here goes.
When I gave away most of my possessions, those many years ago, and hit the road it was with the intent to let Spirit guide me each and every day. My only desire was to travel and to write. It was a glorious time. Camping by the ocean or in a mountain meadow I soon became in tune with our Beloved Earth Mother. One of my favourite poems "Come Dance With Me" was written during this time. I lived every stanza.
About a year and a half later I was back in White Rock, having graduated from a 4x4 Jimmy to a camper van. Life was good, I was reconnecting with cherished friends and of course I had just met Natalie. She was working as a massage therapist, (she is a RMT) as well as teaching (as a substitute) at various high schools in the area. There was an instant connection so I booked three appointments. I used to treat myself to a massage once a month from a very talented and spiritual lady when I lived in White Rock before. I was in need of some TLC and wasn't to be disappointed.
Natalie has a gift that has been unmatched to date in my experience. She utilized colour and aroma therapy with a touch that is just magical. Very, very intuitive. During our sessions I shared parts of my journey and a bond quickly formed.
She was in a troubled relationship with the father of her son and I soon became a confidant to her and a friend to both. Over the next six months the three of us spent a considerable amount of time together. Natalie and I would journey together to spiritual conclaves and meetings. One such meeting was in Bellingham, Wash. A lecture given by a lady we had heard much about, Anne Hughes.
I shall never forget how Anne addressed a participant, during the question period, by name. The lady gasped and asked how did Anne know her name. Anne just smiled and said "Beloved, I know all your names"
As it turned out mutual friends of Natalie's and myself were hosting a meeting with Anne about a month later in White Rock so we arranged to each have a personal interview with her.
My meeting with Anne was one of the most important events and blessings of my life. Anne is not, to me, a channel, she is a Master. During our session she was in constant conscious communication with the Great White Brotherhood, not just Brother Francis. Anne is promoted as embodying the message of St Francis of Aussie. I asked her about this and in the discussion she mentioned that she was the soul compliment of Brother Francis. I asked did this mean that she was his twin flame. That smile again and the response "Yes, Beloved" The concept of twin flames had interested me for quite some time.
I shall share a few other revelations from our fateful meeting. While talking, (actually I must admit answering her questions, which all came back to me over the next year as being very relevant insights in to my being and journey) she smiled and said "Ah now I know who you are". Of course I inquired. She said the Brothers had just informed her that in a previous lifetime I was Alexandra Dumas. We talked about this and of course much more. One mention I should make was a question from her "did I know that the story of The Three Musketeers was about the Trinity?" I mention this because it is one of the few questions from her that has not completely revealed its meaning. Another insight was that I had collaborated with St Germain in some writings at this time. I was in awe and asked if he would work with me again? That smile ..... "Of course, Beloved, he has just been waiting for you to ask."
During our time together I asked about Natalie. One of the things shared was that during one life I was her father in Ireland. She was what was describe as a Greystocking, an intellectual female, something that was frowned upon in those times. As her father I supported her intellectual growth.
I asked what the chances were that I might journey with Natalie again one day. Her answer was "Natalie has much to work through. Yet if your soul compliment chooses to manifest, you will. If not you must go on …"
In the two hours that I spent with Anne, to say the least, I was overwhelmed. Both with what was shared and the Love that emanated from this Glorious Soul. A day or so later I was walking along the beach promenade, when it finally hit me Natalie was my twin flame. I literally had to grab on to a hand rail to keep my balance. All I could say was WOW for the next hour. Certainly answered why I had fallen so much in love with her.
Our relationship grew deeper but was not without turmoil. Natalie's greatest compulsion was to become her own person, to be in her own power. As time passed her relationship with the father of her son, Elijah, changed drastically. She had him leave yet still retained close ties, because of their son. He was deeply hurt and I know that I was a catalyst in her decisions. I loved him and still do. I must also admit I was not entirely in control of my actions and although I felt them honourable,
I am sure that is a matter of opinion.
Over the next few months Natalie and I became closer yet there was something not right. She was relishing in her newfound freedom and self empowerment and that seemed to be driving us apart. On one hand, (sometime after Elijah's father had left) we would exchange massages (I give a fantastic three level massage) and share many wonderful loving experiences. On the other hand she would also push me away desiring more freedom and control of her destiny
She wanted to succeed on her own.
The conclusion of this part of our journey and the beginning of my Burning Ground came that Christmas. I returned to Prince Albert and she to Meadow Lake, Saskatchewan to each be with family for the festive season.
We agreed that I would pick her up on boxing day, bring her to P.A. to meet my family, and spend a few days here before returning to White Rock. Christmas was fun but not fulfilling nor truly happy until she and Elijah were with me.
First fatal error. During our return trip I asked her if I might stay with her for a week or so while I found a place to live, as that winter in White Rock was exceptionally cold. She did say that she would consider it although she did not think so.
I must comment at this point that I had, over the previous six or so months, received the most wonderful visions. Some were of building a retreat or healing center for Natalie. When I shared this with her, tears of joy would well up in her eyes. We had participated in healing sessions together and although I had experienced the most phenomenal love flowing from my hands, I knew that it would be her, the Omega or feminine aspect of our being that would be the true healing blessing we were to offer to Brother Humanity.
After getting Natalie resettled I again asked if I might stay a few days. She said no. She was willing to have me over to stay the occasional weekend, perhaps every three or four weeks. But the most important thing to her was to establish her own individual presence. I know that there were other factors she was considering and actually I was alright with this. But I was not in control and the ego showed its displeasure. Later when I was about to leave she recanted and said stay for a few days. But the end of the beginning had already occurred. About a week later she informed me that she wanted a complete break. It was not that she did not love me, she said rather that she wanted more than anything to be and succeed on her own.
I was devastated. I was supposed to travel with a friend to meet Anne again in Las Vegas in a weeks time. Instead I hooked up with another friend and proceeded to get blitzed. It is a good thing that this friend was compassionate and caring. I don't think I would have come up for air. Two days later (I think) I awoke with a tremendous hangover and knew I had to get out of town. So I ran, back to Prince Albert. I have a remarkable family, by the way.
I was now venturing into the Burning Ground.
Over the next six months I experienced anguish and the depths of depression like never before and yet also some of the greatest soul searching and awakening occurred. I would write for hours and experience moments of the most wonderful love. There were visions of service, of Natalie's journey and mine coming together. It was during this time that much of Spirit Quest was written. I would write often to Natalie. I concluded that all I could do was love her unconditionally.
To celebrate this I sent her a gift with an accompanying poem. The gift was very important to me and of considerable value. It was the Twalking stick “Spirits of Fire”, made for me about two years before, by my greatest male friend the Wood Potter. It has a unique story in itself, but suffice to say that I originally gave it to a beautiful shaman but she returned it to me saying that it was not to be hers. It was meant to go to someone on the west coast that I would one day journey with.
The gift impressed Natalie and she said that she could accept my love as unconditional, base a friendship upon that and see what happened. Good enough for me, a lesson well learned. I had planned to return to White Rock soon as that was where my heart was and not just because my Lady was there.
We reconnected and a relationship developed, although whenever it would seem to deepen she would close down. Something inside her would rebel. We did share a lot, including the occasional massage exchange, but we never made love again. I remember once giving her a special treatment, what I termed a Gourmet massage. It started by having her relax in a bubble bath while I prepared the room. Now I had planned this event for weeks and called upon the Ascended Master and Angelic Host to assist me. The underlying theme was to assist her to open her heart to the awareness of her soul, to activate, stimulate her chakras.
Talk about an agenda, but it was honourable. Music, incense, candles, roses on the massage table and a prepared ceremony that had a lot of Divine impute. It was wonderful. I have never experienced a room so charged with love. I had a lot of help and as I called upon each Divine Being, I felt and knew their presence. About two and a half hours later, surprised that I could still stand, I asked her if I might disrobe, lie by her side and hold her. This was quite acceptable and the love that flowed between us was truly awesome.
For the next while the relationship was comfortable and yet there was still that distance, that rebellion. I was offered an opportunity to look after a mountain chalet in the interior of B.C. for two weeks and we both thought it would be a wonderful opportunity for me to reconnect with Mother Earth and do some serious meditation. With joy she sent me on my way accompanied by some of her flower essences.
While at the chalet I received a disturbing phone call that concerned myself and family in Saskatchewan. I remember phoning Natalie to discuss my plight and anguish. I felt that the only thing I could do was return to Prince Albert, confront the situation with a loving heart and try to facilitate a healing opportunity for all. Natalie said, so beautifully, that I was fully supported by her and that I was in a way clearing for both of us as she too had past experiences that required healing.
After my return to P.A., I wrote to Natalie numerous times yet did not hear from her again until the following spring after I had suggested that her, Elijah and I make a trip to Disneyland as I was booked to visit Anne at that time in Temecula, California. When she called, she said at this time she would not consider the trip but perhaps sometime in the future. She said she called mainly to discuss forgiveness. She realized that she had hurt me deeply and wanted to inform me that she was now seeing, on occasion, another person. Actually someone that I knew well and had been interested in her for some time.
I stated that my love was indeed unconditional and I desired to support her journey. I would always be there for her. But it did hurt. She said she would write explaining more fully and did about a month later. It was a nice letter that put at ease some of my anguish. But that was the last I would hear from her until the following October, when she called thanking me for a little gift I had made and sent for her birthday. She said it was one of the most beautiful gifts that she had ever received and she had never been loved like that before. She was in tears and when I said "Natalie, I love you" she said I love you too and I want to talk to you. We concluded our conversation joyously with my wishing that her day be filled with warm fuzzie bubbles of love and joy.
I have not heard from her since.
I felt that I was handling all this fairly well. Yes I had experienced more anguish and heartache, yet I had also experienced moments of the most beautiful love as I strived to go within, to touch my soul and find the answers I so desperately sought. At Christmas another friend mentioned that Natalie had returned to her parents to celebrate the season. Christmas for me, was not a celebration, I missed her desperately. Then came Jan 1st and I got sick. Three weeks in bed, suffering more physical agony than I can remember. My total system seemed to be in a state of upheaval. And downward from there. I doubted every dream or aspiration I had. For a time I was up and down like a yo-yo. Moments where I did not like myself, my God, the Will of Heaven. And fortunately a few moments of extreme joy, flying through the Universe experiencing Total Love, for me.
When I lost my son, I didn't really know how to grieve but I did move on. My life has been love and loss, from early childhood to the ever present NOW. I have hurt others and I must admit at times maliciously. I have also given of myself totally in loving support. Why could I not accept my fate, why was I continually betraying myself. Why did I perceive so much of my writing as prophetic. What would happen upon my Burning Ground when there was nothing left, no dreams, no aspirations, nothing but as was written, the Light of God.
Here I Am, bearing my soul, admitting my vulnerability. Knowing that my journey is one of Surrender. Total Surrender. I have accepted this. Yet to live this is easier said than done.
There is no one in this universe, other than my Beloved Natalie, who could have been the catalyst to cause such disruption in my Being, to have me question and condemn my very core beliefs, to tear my heart asunder that it might be truly filled with Eternal Love. My greatest curse is my greatest blessing.
Where am I today? I have experienced giving up. I have experienced the Light of my Spirit. I have re-experienced every aspect of my Being. I Am the Divine Principle. And believe me as the tears flow, I KNOW that when there is nothing left but the Light of God, one realizes that this Light is the Power of Eternal Love. It is FORGIVENESS, it is the blessing of the Violet Flame.
Father, I have betrayed my Self long enough,
I Am the Light and the Love of the Living Christ.
Set us free, upon wings of Cosmic Victory.
Masters, wise and blessed, nurture our Heart with Love.
Masters, wise and blessed, mirror the Light of our Soul.
Masters, wise and blessed, teach by example that it shall be below,
as it is above.
Masters, wise and blessed, touch our world with joy
A gentle touch, a caress of words, of Heart felt song.
Masters, wise and blessed, through their gift of selfless Love,
Enrich this journey to the Divine.
My greatest joy is knowing you
As the Master that you are.
Beloved Spirit that I Am
I Am the commanding presence of
Divine Light and Divine Love
Through my very own Beloved Holy Christ Self
The Light and Love of the Living Christ
Fans the threefold flame within my heart.
The Beloved Soul that I Am
Manifests through my Soul consciousness,
Through the conscious mind that I Am
And into my world.
Thou life that beats my heart
Take control now of every part of our being
Take command of this my mind, my body
My feelings, my world
Direct events, impel action, and attract to me
That which I need, those whom I seek to help
In the name of my very own Beloved Holy Christ Self
Radiate the Violet Flame, from the white fire core of our being
Expand the Violet Flame from within the Threefold Flame of our heart
Penetrate and saturate every particle of our being
Cleanse and purify, dissolve all discord, all doubt, all fear
Beloved Spirit, manifest the Violet Flame here.
Beloved Brother St. Germain, add thy momentum to the Violet Flame
Oh Violet Flame, come Violet Flame
Now blaze and blaze and blaze
Oh Violet Flame, come Violet Flame
To raise and raise and raise
Every atom and cell of my being
I Am the abundance and riches of God's full Presence
Manifesting in my life this day.
May the Light of Eternal Love
Fill and thrill Our World.
May we find true service to the Beloved Earth Mother
and Brother Humanity, OUR PATH.
In the name of the Father, the Mother, the Son
and the Holy Spirit
Through the Power of Eternal Love
Through the Light of the Living Christ
So It Is, So Be It
And so ends our journey through
Yet truly tis but the beginning of another
of this Eternal Now.
Another Grand Adventure
thank you for allowing me
your little brother