I remember many years ago dreaming about waking up in a hospital and being cared for by a beautiful, angelic lady. Being healed in the arms of love.
Each time in my life, when something I loved was taken from me or I destroyed something beautiful, a part of me seemed to die, but she did not come.
I would pick myself up, stuff away the pain and move on. Each time leaving something of me behind.
Another cycle and she has not come.
I suppose that each time I progressed or evolved a little, as I feel that I have this time.
I have realized a more profound love. By loving you, I am learning to love myself.
I realize that until there is balance, along with the highs must come the lows.
At times I awaken feeling utterly alone and empty. I wonder what I am missing, what I left behind.
Yesterday I prepared for the Wesak Festival and last night felt very close to my God.
I close each evening by giving thanks to the Beloved Ascended Masters and Angelic Host, for their presence in my life, for their light, their love and their guidance. I honour the glory of their being. I give thanks to you. For your presence, your light, your love. I then honour the glory of your being and the glory of our being.
I felt very close to you.
The next morning the emptiness had returned. This time I could not fight back and stuff away the pain. I let go and began to realize what I had left behind. It was all my dreams and aspirations.
I felt that love had been invalidated. I wondered what the healing was, that you said you received and when would my healing come.
And that if I were to stuff away my love, I would be invalidating my journey and indeed there would be nothing left.
I know that I will always love you and in spirit walk with you. But as yet there is no completion, no balance. I miss you. I miss the sea and all my beautiful friends. I miss my life as it was.
I hope that when my time has come or when my days are done, you are the angel that completes my healing. In your arms of love.
. . . . . . . .
The fires of hell shall purify my soul.
When I awoke yesterday I wondered if this was what it would take to be free.
I would like to share with you yesterday and today, but each time I pick up my pen the only words that I can write are: It is my pain, my hell, my journey and I shall be free.
I am sitting at my altar, as I have been doing a lot of these last few days, thinking about my life and life itself.
As is my nature, I analyze and reanalyze. It is something like they say when your drowning, your life flashes before your eyes.
When I prepared for Wesak, I looked forward to receiving a portion of the light and love the Masters would send to the world and all humanity.
When I let go the next morning. I didn't know if it was surrender or giving up. I relate giving up to despair and surrender to joy. I have experienced both.
I would like to relate all these experiences to you, but don't seem to be able. It is as if it is my burden and I don't have the right or permission to share the darkness.
And yet I believe that one of the most beautiful aspects of life is sharing.
I wonder if this experience is akin to going through the void. There are a few little stars here and there. But there is also a big, black, empty universe.
I can share some of the joy.
As I am looking at our picture and thinking about "Spirits of Fire", I realize that it doesn't just honour you and my love for you. It is a symbol that honours us, that we are two spirits of fire.
The brightest star is my void is my love for you and with faith it will guide me through.
There is peace to be found in the void, but it is hard to find.
. . . . . . . .
I am wondering why I have the urge to write this morning. Part of me wants you to understand my journey.
One of my fears is that I am just an ordinary guy and looking back from the void it would be rather easy to accept this. Life's experiences, unfulfilled dreams and expectations. Actions taken or opportunities not. Is all an illusion?
Am I here today because I ran away or am I here to find myself?
Yesterday I watched "Touched by an Angel". Fortunately I was alone, because I cried throughout most of the show. Where was my angel? I wanted so much to be rescued. When would this part of my journey be over?
Last night I reminded myself that, if you were indeed my twin flame, we would someday serve our god together in eternal, spiritual love. Time, as we know it, should not matter. When destiny has fulfilled its purpose, it shall be.
During the night I awoke from a very disturbing dream. I felt and was fighting a sinister and evil presence. I tried to bless it and let it go.
This morning I remembered, as a child, meeting an elderly uncle. I only saw him once or twice.
The family story was that he had been jilted in early life and never married. Just an ordinary guy. But I felt from him serenity and peace. He was a very beautiful and loving person. I wonder what the full story of his journey was. Did he find peace in the emptiness? Did he find himself? Was he really just an ordinary guy or was he teaching by example?
There is so much more to write, but time is not.
There must be love in the void.
There is love in my heart. The love of God, the love for you. A very beautiful love.
. . . . . . . .
I awoke this morning and she was not there. I couldn't even complete my prayers.
One more day I will wait.
For the mail. Will a letter finally arrive?
For the phone to ring and hear someone say your name.
I will wait to feel a Masters touch.
I will wait to hear an Angel whisper in my ear.
I will look to my heart to see if the flame will return.
Right now there is nothing. In my heart, in my soul, in my mind, in my life.
What will be there at the end of my day? What will be there at the end?
I went to sit by the river for awhile. I thought about life and my emptiness. My life has been emotion and attachment.
In the emptiness there is neither. There is no ego to attach itself to hopes and dreams.
. . . . . . . .
I know that you won't call tonight.
I am so tired.
I still believe in the beautiful being that you are.
But I don't know who I am.
There are no more beautiful words.
There is only good-bye.
The end of the day and she did not come.